If you are believer in humanity but feel a bit shaken up by the reality, you may swipe to read my personal anecdote of shock, fear and disbelief in the times of loneliness.
The harsh reality of loneliness hit me hard when I felt alone and socially stigmatised for the first time in my life. My body fatigued and extremely weak due to typhoid, I had hired a helper to do the daily chores and cook for me. While walking down the room, she saw my neighbour and casually went out to tell her that I was suffering from high fever, cough and cold coz she thought it is ‘normal’ than revealing my real health condition coz for her ‘sardi zukham’ is casual and regular infection.
Little did she realise her blunder! Little did she know cough and cold could become fatal and scary as fuck! The literate neighbour started speaking in an uncivilised manner and wanted me to hear her speak.
She instructed the helper to leave my work, not to come upstairs where she lives, isolate me completely and spoke in a condescending voice exclaiming in anger, “Why was I even living in that house!”
She being an educated woman should have at least spoken to me but she refused. Instead, at the top of her voice kept shouting.
Lack of communication, judgement lead to a phone call by my landlord’s wife who just called to enquire if I have cough and cold. Instead of her being kind towards me which I expected since I lived alone, I had to give a proof that I had typhoid and currently feel physically weak.
I was sad, half broken and now scared if they would throw me out of the house?! The loneliness, longing to be with my near and dear ones and fatigue left me in a worsening night. I could just share all this teary - eyed over a phone call to my best friend who could just calm me down from a far distance. I curled up in bed praying for a better tomorrow and tried to sleep.
The next day, as assumed the helper refused to come to work. I crept to the kitchen to fetch some porridge from last night’s left over and put a glass of milk with Chyawanprash.
At noon, I felt helpless and lonely so I called up a considerate colleague who within no time picked me up to take to the hospital where I was already being treated. The doctor recommended to admit me but I decided to gather all the courage and leave for my home, back to the comfort of my parents’ love. I could hear my Mamma’s voice calling out my name, ‘Raza’ during one of my drowsy moments.
I am with them now. I have not even lost five kilos but given up on humanity. I hope my faith in togetherness is regained again. For now, I feel dejected and low.
I could leave just a day before the city administration’s announcement of complete lockdown. I miss everything about the place I created for myself but I wipe my tears and wonder where the world is leading to! What have we become? Am I being a realist pessimist?
Asking these questions for now before I hit the bed to regain my energy and hopefully some faith in the humankind. We all are in a panic state and need to calm down.
- Shaista Dhanda
20 March 2020
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