Layers of paint have removed 

the smoothness of walls

but given the strength to hold 

many a colours 

like memories of lovers 

hidden in the corners of 

heart. 

She was the Sun which sets too

She was also the Moon which disappears for a while

She was strong to uphold the winds

Once, twice but not all the time 

She loved too much 

But that’s not a crime 

Body and soul she put in her art

Her soul was taken away 

or she wanted to escape 

from everything that was

too much

Har kadam har raah ne kuch sikhaya hai

pahadon ki uchaiyon ne

Samundar ki gehrayin ne 

Patli galiyon aur chaudhe raston ne 

Is safar mein tumne ae zindagi humein Bahut kuch sikhaya hai 

Kabhi chadte gaye pahadon par 

Kabhi baithe rahe samundar ke kinaron par 

Kabhi likhte gaye kalam se dil ka bayan 

Kabhi dil mein bahut kuch rakhte gaye hum 

Badhte gaye chalte gaye ruke nahi ye kadam 

Kaante bhi chubhe chot bhi lagi 

Himmat mili aage chalte gaye 

Badhte gaye kabhi dheere kabhi tez

Par ruke nahi ye kadam 

Covid 19 Crisis

If you are believer in humanity but feel a bit shaken up by the reality, you may swipe to read my personal anecdote of shock, fear and disbelief in the times of loneliness. 

The harsh reality of loneliness hit me hard when I felt alone and socially stigmatised for the first time in my life. My body fatigued and extremely weak due to typhoid, I had hired a helper to do the daily chores and cook for me. While walking down the room, she saw my neighbour and casually went out to tell her that I was suffering from high fever, cough and cold coz she thought it is ‘normal’ than revealing my real health condition coz for her ‘sardi zukham’ is casual and regular infection. 

Little did she realise her blunder! Little did she know cough and cold could become fatal and scary as fuck! The literate neighbour started speaking in an uncivilised manner and wanted me to hear her speak. 

She instructed the helper to leave my work, not to come upstairs where she lives, isolate me completely and spoke in a condescending voice exclaiming in anger, “Why was I even living in that house!”

She being an educated woman should have at least spoken to me but she refused. Instead, at the top of her voice kept shouting. 

Lack of communication, judgement lead to a phone call by my landlord’s wife who just called to enquire if I have cough and cold. Instead of her being kind towards me which I expected since I lived alone, I had to give a proof that I had typhoid and currently feel physically weak.

I was sad, half broken and now scared if they would throw me out of the house?! The loneliness, longing to be with my near and dear ones and fatigue left me in a worsening night. I could just share all this teary - eyed over a phone call to my best friend who could just calm me down from a far distance. I curled up in bed praying for a better tomorrow and tried to sleep. 

The next day, as assumed the helper refused to come to work. I crept to the kitchen to fetch some porridge from last night’s left over and put a glass of milk with Chyawanprash. 

At noon, I felt helpless and lonely so I called up a considerate colleague who within no time picked me up to take to the hospital where I was already being treated. The doctor recommended to admit me but I decided to gather all the courage and leave for my home, back to the comfort of my parents’ love. I could hear my Mamma’s voice calling out my name, ‘Raza’ during one of my drowsy moments. 

I am with them now. I have not even lost five kilos but given up on humanity. I hope my faith in togetherness is regained again.  For now, I feel dejected and low. 

I could leave just a day before the city administration’s announcement of complete lockdown. I miss everything about the place I created for myself but I wipe my tears and wonder where the world is leading to! What have we become? Am I being a realist pessimist? 

Asking these questions for now before I hit the bed to regain my energy and hopefully some faith in the humankind. We all are in a panic state and need to calm down. 

• Shaista Dhanda 

       20 March 2020

I became still

My heart skipped a beat

A tear dropped 

settled under the eye 

Unsettling the breathing pattern 

but then I took a sigh 

Lips broadened

A smile drew

A deep breath again 

The lungs felt full

Straightened my back 

Admired the gain 

And acknowledged the good

Winters

I taste the flavours of winter in hot cups of masala chai; the Sun peeking through doors/ windows in the morning; the sunlight dancing on the walls of my room; the clatter, creaking, clinking and rattle replacing the quietude of the nippy nights.

The empty coffee shops with wind chimes hanging on the balconies playing a lyrical song; the spiced taste of freshly baked cinnamon cake with aromatic coffee served with a smile; the candle-lit moments or a room bathed in warm glory of string lights; the warm blanket hiding you from the realities of the day; crickets chirping, dogs barking silenced by the music plugged in your ears until it is morning again. 

Have you felt love in the air?

Have you felt a magical spell while watching the changing colours of the sky? 

Have you felt a whirlwind of thoughts at the quietest of places? 

Have you felt connected with the music of the wind? 

Have you been open to receive all the emotions in your heart?

Has the call of the roaring waves raced your heart?

Have you befriended with the shooting stars? 

Have you hiked in the jungles making your own path?

Have you watched lightning in a pitch dark sky? 

Have you found a way up in the mountains with a flashlight?

Have you watched fireflies at night? 

Have you watched the colourful wings of a butterfly? 

Have you watched eagles flying high? 

If only you surrendered yourself completely to the moment, finding completeness in nothingness.

I am 
the streets I tread upon;
colours smeared on the walls; 
the dust, wind, rain or snow.

The loud laughter, faint smile;
hidden tears, anger;
The emotions I float upon.

I am
the noise, the silence;
the constant and the still;
the rush of the city;
laid back vibe of the town.

A lonely beach, mountain top;
a wild jungle, starry sky;
I call home. 

The Beach

Walking bare feet on the beach like planting pecks on blistering sand;

the endless sea touching the horizon,

the subtle breeze soothing the sultry bodies like flavour of mint in fresh lime juice;

the sand slipping through toes like showers of light rain on the body, mind and soul;

glittery specks in sand illuminate the body as I sit nonchalantly on the land;

the scintillating, dancing ebbs and flows look magical under the mighty Sun’s glow;

shiny shells and glistening pebbles better clasped in hands than half dug in sand;

the thunderous thousand claps of waves ceaselessly slap water till the bay;

The clonk of coconuts hanging on the trees, birds flying by and dogs playing carefree. 

Take the chance today you’re being offered as tomorrow it would be someone else’s turn. You won’t get anything in life until you ask for. Dream, ask, believe in yourself and go for it. Don’t waste time in discussion or argument. Keep writing your destiny in the diary of your life. 

Dejection is normal but that drives you crazy to turn the abstract idea into reality. 

People would never understand about your dreams coz they are yours. 

Live them, make them come true and then they will understand. Don’t wait for the right time or the next moment. Create your own dreams now.

The smile will get deeper with your achievements so will your wrinkles with time. The best weather to ski is this winter, the best moment to travel is now. The best time to learn to walk even a baby knows will come with crawling first and falling a hundred times.

Fall to rise again, drown to swim again. Don’t sit at home thinking that you’ll fail or it’s not the time now. People will tell you it’s not your age or it’s for the boys/girls. People would question you about the reason of your dreams. I have realised coz they have never answered the knock of the chances or dared to listen to the call during the dreams we sleep for.

Farewell

The days will pass but the memories would stay fresh in our minds 

like dried flowers nonchalantly kept,

 but still spreading the sweet fragrance to remind 

Passing from the alleys

Or sitting in the office 

The tough and selfless decisions 

Would be missed

We come and leave footprints 

on the sands of time

Receiving new projects 

on the journey of our lives

May Our Beloved Master hold your hand

with benevolent love and care

to persevere and tread ahead

The way you look at things matter the most. Your moods and patterns fluctuate according to the situations in life. 

There are highs and lows like the tides in the ocean you admire for hours sitting at a beach. Acceptance of your true self is the basic essential. Once you accept the real you hidden among the notoriety of judgements, loving yourself becomes the priority. Throw away the garb, the sheets, the camouflage, the poster image for everyone. 

What does your heart desire my love? Ask questions to your inner self. Accept loss, pain, disease just like you make love.

Ask yourself, manifest your own dreams without escaping reality. Speak it out. 

If there’s sadness, it’s momentary just like the winds of happiness that brush your face. Accept your bruises, guilts, desires like the hickeys you wear on your body. 

I will have a sound sleep tonight as I spoke to you about my fears and doubts. I may have rambled but wanted someone to just listen to me. For the longest time, I have waited for this slumber. 

I don’t need my sleeping pills tonight maybe I would feel the need tomorrow. 

What matters the most is the moment I breathe now. Tomorrow I may be dead.

While reading these words, I want you to keep a hand on your heart to feel the beats for three seconds. Follow the pace and rhythm, close your eyes and let the memories of love, loss, pain, flash in front of your tired eyes. Yes, you have faced these times and the memories are fading now. Going through a trauma you’ve shed tears, felt pain in the heart. 

What made you strong? Time. It moves slowly when you wish it to pass like a wind. You’re a fighter. Yes, you are. 

Let me just look at you when you smile.

Let me listen to you while you confide. 

Let me just hug you like it’s the last time. 

Let me say all the things through silence. 

Let me drive you to faraway lands. 

Let me carry your emotional baggage.

Let me hold your hand.

Let me be at your side in moments of despair.

Let me just know when you need me,

I’ll be there.

The comfort in the discomfort of a bed of rocks;

The stability in the movement of water;

The beauty in the rawness of nature;

The candle lit room during nights;

The perfume of flowers during pale mornings;

The subtle smile after teary eyed times;

The simple joys lived during complex days and nights.